Birth didn't go your way? Join the club, Mama.

Have you ever met a mom…

that when given the opportunity to talk about her birth story, didn’t hesitate to share the horror of what took place on what was supposed to be such a magical moment? Have you ever met a mom who did this whose kids were way past grade-school age?

It can be disheartening and quite frankly terrifying to hear these kinds of stories as an expecting mom. I believe this voluntary sharing happens because our individual birth stories are so unique and so unpredictable. As new and expecting moms many of us do what we need to in order to best prepare for our birth.

No one prepares you for how to handle a birth that doesn’t go your way.

I was one of these expecting mothers. My husband and I had planned a natural water-birth complete with Hypnobirthing tools. We had all of the checklist you can imagine- just waiting for the arrival of our first and only son. Then everything went wrong, I mean E V E R Y THING went wrong.

One day it hit me:

I found myself bawling about four weeks after birth while watching What To Expect When You’re Expecting. It was then that I emailed my birthing coach to introduce our son and tell her about the birth.

She said something very wise that I’ll never forget. I still find myself sharing the same advice to women who find themselves in the same predicament.

You see, people around you don’t know how to respond to distress. 9 out of 10 times they’ll try to console you by downplaying what happened. Saying something like “well at least you have a healthy baby” or “at least (fill in the blank).”

Our hypnobirth coach did exactly the opposite.

She very wisely said you need to mourn the birth you never got.

Wow. That permission to mourn the delivery I never got was a game-changer. I was allowed to be upset over the fact that we ended up in the emergency room. The fact that I didn’t get to see my son for hours after his birth. The fact that I didn’t get to do so many things I had planned in his first moments of life.

She validated all of my disappointment.

I was allowed to cry my eyes out as much and as hard as I wanted to. I can’t tell you how freeing it was to hear that and how much pressure was taken off of my heart. The true magic lies on how this gift just keeps on giving.

Women who relive their traumatic birth stories in front of expecting mothers never truly got a chance to mourn the fact that things didn’t go as planned. As a result they vomit all this perceived negativity on this bright-eyed and excited mom-to-be. I know it’s not intentional, but…

Let’s stop doing that to each other.

A new mom needs to be heard, understood. Given time and mental space to process her birth so that it doesn’t become something that haunts her in the future. Because let’s face it- the moment they place your newborn in your arms it’s all about the baby and your feelings get pushed aside that second.

No matter how bad your birth story turned out it does no one any good to relive it.

Talk to your Doula, hire a Health Coach– work through it, get it all out, and allow that space to be taken up by something else, like quality bonding time with your precious baby.