Learning to be Vulnerable: Motherhood burnout is real

I just read a another blog about motherhood burnout, and it moved me.

My entire life, my words, thoughts, ideas, and actions have been cast aside and labeled “oh that Kelli”. It has never felt as if my words mattered. Being the youngest of a blended family of 5 children, it was easy to get lost. It was easy to just go play in a corner and get lost in day dreams of what I wanted. I felt left behind in a lot of areas of my life.

Motherhood forced me to grow up extremely fast.

My partner and I were only together for 3 months when I found out I was pregnant. I had to learn all the things my own mother never taught me. My Maternal Grandparents taught me most ‘how to nurture’ through their loving nature and kindness. I lost both my grandparents within 14 months of each other, and ever since then – my security of love has been shattered. I looked to them for guidance and longed for the deep love and treasure they had for each other my entire life.

As I’ve grown into motherhood, so has my anxiety. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as out of control of myself as I do now. And after reading this (BLOG), it finally hit me that I’m trying to live up to unrealistic expectations – not only from society, but also in my personal life and own mind.

Anxiety has crept into my life over the many years I’ve been on this earth, and it has taught me to fear everything whether it’s conscious or subconscious. It’s a little nagging voice in the back of my head that creates chaos and background noise that is intentionally suffocating my brain, ideas, expressions and personality – so much, that I no longer know who I am. It has begun to shut down my ability to communicate effectively with the world around me. My anxiety is a demon, and I’m making the strides to cast away this burden.

Anxiety creeps into my brain, from the moment I open my eyes in the morning.

I end up resenting the idea of being awake because I don’t know what to expect for the day. I wake up tired and stressed and haven’t even pulled the covers away from my face – even if there’s nothing to be stressed about, even if I’ve gotten ‘good rest’. Finding the will to get out of bed is even harder when that little voice tells me all the things I need to do [today].

The seemingly endless piles of laundry and dishes. The floor that will never be clean with a toddler, dog, cat, and my partner and me living in the house. The toilets that need to be wiped more often than they get. The cat litter. Juggling housework with play for my toddler. Implementing a routine that I have no idea how to even establish. The list is never-ending. The worry and turmoil of doubt that tell me,

“you are never going to get that done.”

I think one of the biggest problems I (along with most moms) have is that all of a sudden we have a baby and now we need to run a household. Whether you have a partner/ husband/ helper or not, running a household is not ONE PERSON’S JOB. Any person in your household should contribute to the benefit and functionality of your lives. Routines don’t happen overnight, and sticking with a routine is hard – especially if only one person is sticking to it. Being a mother doesn’t mean you have to live up to the title of superwoman – yet we all try.

Casting a demon out is not an easy task. So, my readers, if you can take ONE thing from this excerpt of my thoughts let it be this: mothers are struggling. Most aren’t going to ask for your help, so instead of saying “what can I do to help” – look around and see that the dishwasher needs to be unloaded; maybe the hand washed dishes need to be put away; maybe the dog toys need to be picked up… and just do it to help. Wipe the counters off that you notice might be sticky that she might not have gotten to because of the 50 times she was interrupted to get her toddler a snack, wipe a butt, take out the trash etc…