Your friend or maybe a family member just had a new baby and you’re super excited. Maybe, you watched her bump grow on social media. Maybe you went to the baby shower. You want to go visit your friend and meet her new bundle of joy. Many parents take several weeks, even months to adjust to the transition of adding a child to their family and I’m sure you want to help with that process.

I think culturally, we often want to hold the baby. Everyone loves to hold a squishy cute newborn. But biologically, a newborn baby should be held, preferably skin to skin, by it’s parents as much as possible. It okay to hold the baby (we’ll get to that in a minute) but try not to make your visit about meeting your needs (or shall we say want) to hold a new baby, and more about being there for your friend.

Here’s how:

Bring a meal

I feel like this one is pretty well known but I still think it’s important. It really hard for new parents to find the energy to grocery shop, plan a meal, cook and eat it. Many moms struggle with loss of appetite immediately postpartum, even while consuming hundreds of extra calories from breastfeeding. She may not realize that she’s hungry until she’s starving. Many new moms will tell me, “I just realized I haven’t eaten anything all day! I haven’t even had a glass of water.” Help by bringing a meal that will feed the whole family. It can be a homemade soup or casserole, or it could be takeout from a restaurant or deli section of the grocery store. Get something that they can eat without preparing or just heat up. Put it in the fridge and let them know it’s there. They will be so grateful!

Don’t offer help, just do it

May times if you ask an exhausted new parent what they need help with, they don’t even have the energy to think of an answer. It’s easier to say, “Nothing. I’m fine.” Use your eyes and look around. Is the sink full of dishes that could be loaded into the dishwasher? Does the floor need to be swept? These little tasks take you only a few minutes but they could take a new mom all day to tackle. Let her cuddle her baby while you tidy up. Depending on your relationship with the family, either just do it or ask in a way that tells them what you’re doing without giving them a chance to decline for sake of politeness. Instead of “Do you mind if I sweep your kitchen?” ask “Where do you keep your dustpan?” Instead of “May I tackle these dishes for you?” say “Does this pot need to be hand-washed, or can it go in the dishwasher?”

It must also be noted that if either parent is struggling with postpartum OCD, these tasks may be extremely overwhelming for them. I remember when my mother in-law came over and did the dishes, wiped off the counter and stove. The entire project took maybe 20 minutes but it had a drastically positive influence on my mental health for days!

Let mother hold her baby until she offers to share

I think with our excitement to meet a new baby and cultural expectations that mom should go take a break, we sometimes assume that a mom wants us to hold her baby. This isn’t always the case. Especially if she has anxiety about others holding baby, which is common after a following pregnancy or birth. Rather than grabbing baby from her arms, observe from a safe distance and emotionally connect with the mother. Ask her about the birth or how she is adjusting to life with a baby. When she is ready, she will offer for you to hold the baby. When this happens, try to gauge whether or not she needs a break. Some new moms want to sit and chat for a while. They want someone to talk to. Many new moms want a bit of space. They may have had a tiny person on them for hours. Maybe they haven’t showered in a few days. If baby is content and not fussing, offer your friend the chance to take a break. “I’m going to be here for a bit longer if you’d like to take a little break to nap, shower or whatever, I really don’t mind.” If baby starts fussing, try your best to soothe baby, but be ready to hand it back to the mother. That is where baby feels safe.

Ask permission to share pictures online

With social media being fairly new in the past decade, not everyone is familiar with the etiquette about sharing pictures of someone else’s child. The rule is- ASK! Some parents do not want any pictures of their children online at all. While others may ask that they see and approve of each picture first. Some parents may want you to tag them so make sure they see it. Others may not care at all either way. Avoid resentment over something that could easily discussed beforehand by asking and respecting their wishes.

Don’t share your germs

It really should be common sense, but for some reason, every year I hear of baby’s falling ill because a family member came to visit, even though they were coughing a bunch or a well-meaning friend kissed them with a cold sore. Babies don’t need your germs. If you are showing any signs of illness RESCHEDULE your visit. Baby will be just as cute a week later. When you arrive to the home of a new baby, always wash your hands immediately. And don’t kiss them unless it’s your own baby. I know it’s tempting because, gosh, they are really are cute. But don’t kiss the baby!

Support their choices

Not everybody will raise their children the same way. There are cultural considerations and new research coming out all the time that supports one practice over another. In the Age of Information, assume that your friend has the will and the ability to find information and education themselves. It may be different than how you did things or how you would do things, and that’s okay. Not every family looks the same. If they ask for your opinion, offer it without judgement or expectations. 

Be a resource

By supporting your friend’s choices, they will also feel comfortable coming to you when they aren’t so sure about something. Or even if they are sure, sometimes we need someone to reassure us. If you are the person, that will answer their phone at 3AM when your friend is sobbing because baby won’t latch, remind them of that. If you’re not, that’s okay.

Find your role

 

Everybody has the things that they are good at. Offer these skills to your friend. If you like to bake, bring by some muffins. Painting more your thing then offer to paint their nursery. If you garden, pull some stray weeds. Whatever your strengths are. The African proverb “it takes a village” is so true. It takes a community of people working together to build the best possible life for a child. Not every person needs to give baby a new outfit. Be creative in how you contribute to this family.

Come back again in a couple months 

Most people get a lot of visitors in the first few weeks after having a baby. But then it tapers off and most people in their community go on with their life by a couple months out. This is when new parents need the most support. Their meal train has run out. Sleep deprivation is catching up with them. Baby is crying much more, as fussiness usually peaks around 6-8 weeks postpartum and witching hours can be absolutely brutal. Reach out to them or visit again and be just as supportive and helpful as you were when baby was first born, only now it’ll probably be even more appreciated.

 

Written by Ashley

Ashley G. has been a very loved labor and postpartum doula with our team since. She is the true definition of a life long learner.  Ashley has has been trained and is an expert in many areas such as placenta encapsulation, postpartum belly binding, babywearing education, tummy time and is a Child Passenger Safety Technician.  She also is trained in Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders.

Prior to her career as a doula she worked as a nanny for over 12 years and has cared for many women and families during postpartum. She is caring, kind, passionate, fun and friendly. Families love how willing she is to jump in and positively support their entire family.